Love and Loss.

As most of my friends know, my family suffered the terrible loss of my father-in-law on January 6th, 2009. My mother-in-law sent me, via e-mial, the final decisions on the gravestone. She wants to have it done before Memorial Day. Life was simpler when memorial day meant a day on the boat with friends laughing and imbibing, all the while knowing what the day actually meant but pretending that is was really just a three day weekend. This year it will be spent the way it was meant to be. To remember our loved ones and pay respect. This knowledge brought an onslaught of fresh tears and forced me to deal with the harsh reality of our lives


It is still surprising to me that four months later, on a seemingly normal day, I am blindsided by grief. I know that four months isn't much time but I really thought I would feel at least a little better by now. But I don't. My heart hurts and I want to scream out "does anyone know we lost an amazing person and that this world will never, ever be the same??!!!" But I can't because that isn't socially appropriate and I might end up somewhere unpleasant... Instead this is our new life, one my family and I are ever so slowly learning to live day by day. It will be a year of "firsts" and even though I just want to plunk my head in the sand and not feel any of the wretched heartache that I thought was carefully contained just beneath the surface of my soul, I am forced to be a grown up and find a way to cope out of my love for Doran and my family.



It is much easier for me to just plod along caught up in the happy, sometimes chaotic, mundane aspects of my life. Like deciding what to cook for dinner, keeping up with that never ending entity called "laundry", two big dogs playing in the living room and rearranging the furniture. Haakon complaining about homework or putting on a show to make me laugh, seedlings we planted in the egg cartons raising their sweet little heads from the soil that Haakon and I lovingly planted them in. Trying to "out goof" Dave....you know normal, everyday, easily navigated life things. But "death"?? It's permanent, It's scary!! I don't want to acknowledge this new reality. I liked my life the way it was! It was good and I felt lucky to have my father-in-law in all his human glory. He was an amazing man. He was Doran, my father-in-law and we had a special bond. Not the polite existance of two people who just happened to be related by marriage whether they liked it or not. He was my father too. We butted heads, we laughed at each others jokes, we irritated each other because we, both being the oldest child in our families, thought we knew best and would debate our beliefs. He understood me because he took the time to get to know me. He was known to shake his head a few times at my hot-headed or opinionated personality and I shook mine at his tenaciousness when he set his mind to something and his complete lack of desire to eat his vegetables!! He taught me that you don't have to be blood related to be family. We had a good, solid, REAL respect and love for one another. He was who I went to for advice and he was who I called in an emergency. I miss him so much and I'm so angry he was taken away from us.

So through my tears, anger, rants and sometimes inappropriate use of self-protective humor, this is how I have chosen to try and cope with my storm of emotions. I am choosing to be thankful that I was allowed to know someone so wonderful. To be thankful for the opportunity to have been loved so unconditionally. And to feel grateful knowing when I look at my son that he is a part of something beautiful that was Doran D. Koste.

"I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all."